2007 10 24 Dragons

"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." G. K. Chesterton

This quote was used on a tv program tonight. I didn't see the entire program, just the ending, it was about a kidnapped child who had been abused. The quote really moved me and I wanted to include it here to remind myself that, sadly, children do know dragons exist, and that it is up to caring, loving family members to teach them that dragons can be killed. My little ones came to me exhibiting a lot of fears and it breaks my heart, but they are little by little overcoming them. I wish they never knew about dragons, I wish they'd never seen one or been harmed by one, but they have, so I'm teaching them how to kill dragons.

2007 10 23 Random thoughts

Today I reminded my oldest that she doesn't have to apologize to me for not doing some things. I told her that her priorities are in order, and unless she's apologizing for not keeping her priorities in order, there's nothing to apologize for. We each have to determine what is most important in our life, and we have to set aside time in our lives for what matters most. This child is taking care of what matters most all the time, and I'm so very proud of her.

It reminded me of what I'm not taking care of in my life, how my priorities keep slipping. I explain it away due to not feeling well, or being too tired, not having enough time, lack of focus, lack of dollars, whatever...but I know those are poor excuses. It made me think of a date in the future when I may have to explain myself to someone, and I have to consider the impact of my choices on those around me.

I've been extremely judgmental of someone without realizing I'm doing similar things - yet I justify my actions while I rant and rave about theirs. I have been witnessing someone who seems to be very selfish when it comes to my little ones. Their selfishness makes me angry, yet I have been selfish in a similar fashion - so I've made the decision to attempt to counteract their selfishness. There are some activities I know these little ones would love to participate in that I'm not interested in or don't have any experience with. I've realized I don't have to engage in the "exact" activity to bring them the joy they might get from going all out in - - - let's say bowling, just to pick something specific. If they want to bowl, and I have no idea even how to bowl, I could set up a lane down the hall and knock down water bottles with a ball, or make a miniature bowling lane on a tabletop with some craft item. I could even get a board game that simulates the game so we could play it in the house rather than going to a bowling alley. There's even the option of a video game that we could play together. Just because I don't know how to bowl, doesn't really justify me taking that pleasure away from the little ones, I should find a way to bring it into their lives and let them explore their horizons.

This entry won't make much sense to anyone, but it's given me some ideas to follow through on that I think will make me feel better and will certainly give the kids a laugh or too, and that's really what it's all about, helping these little ones grow into happy, healthy adults - some day. I guess it goes back to "children learning what they live". My decision today will hopefully prevent me from needing to apologize later for not doing some things I should be doing, and eventually teach these little ones not to point the finger like I have been doing. Lots of lessons learned here and it's all thanks to someone I don't like very much at all.

2007 10 17 Let them be little

Music Video:LET THEM BE LITTLE (by Billy Dean)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Another song that touches me deep in my soul. I hope that every child that goes to sleep tonight has their parent or someone who loves them immensely tucking them in and letting them "be little" for another day. They do grow too fast and I wish I'd enjoyed mine more when they were little. My "little ones" seem to be on the fast track to being "kids" and as proud as I am of them, I just want to keep them little as long as I can. There is plenty of time for them to learn all the grown up stuff, but the kid stuff just seems to fly by them and then it's gone, almost like the fireflies of summer. If you don't enjoy them while they're here, it's too late.

Tomorrow I'm taking the little ones to the pumpkin patch and even that will probably be something they'll outgrow way too fast. The two older grandchildren always loved going but this year it's going to be hard to find a time when they can go. Between school, parent's work schedules, football and birthday parties, they may not even get to go. So I'm taking the little ones tomorrow and if it works out that the bigger boys can make it another time, I'll go again with them, and remember how little they were the first time we took them, and wish that they would have stayed little a little bit longer.

2007 10 13 The boys

 

I've been sick the past few days and it makes me feel worse when I realize I haven't seen "the boys" in so long. They live about 20 minutes away from me, yet I can't seem to get to see them often enough. Today I don't have the little ones, but I am still down with whatever this bug is, so I can't make it to their football games. I sometimes feel like to worst grandparent in the world. I try to give all I can to the little ones and then it seems as though there's nothing left for the boys.

I love them immensely, I hope they know it. My goal is to figure out how to give enough to all of them that they never say "Nanny loved you more than she loved me". I know I felt that way about both of my grandmothers. As an adult I realize that both of them were giving all they had to the grandchildren who had the least, but they never seemed to make me feel like I was any more to them than a visitor. It would have been okay, had I not seen how giving and loving they were to the other grandkids - if we were all treated the same when we were together. But they weren't that way, and it hurt.

These two boys love baseball and football and bikes and boards and anything that keeps them moving. They are so active, they are going constantly! Their mom has sure taken well to being a mom to boys. She is so feminine, but she sure has adapted to the "boys life". She thrives on their energy and zest for life. Their dad is all man and keeps these boys in activities to build their confidence and strengthen their character. He is so involved with them that it helps me to know that they don't miss me as much if I'm not able to be there all the time. I guess that's something my grandmothers knew, if a parent is missing or unable to provide, you do all you can to fill the gaping hole. Since these two have Mom and Dad so involved in their lives, I am doing the right thing by focusing on the lives of the little ones who are missing that right now.

2007 10 05 My Princess

 

Just wanted to post a photo of my little princess. She is so gorgeous, I can't quit looking at her pictures. Lately I've noticed how green her eyes are. Almost everyone in the family has brown eyes, (except Hunter's whose are blue), so everytime I catch the light in her eyes it surprises me to see them lighter than I expect.

She's becoming very affectionate again. She went through a stage of being very closed off for several months but has gained a new sense of security and has even taken to talking to strangers. She loves on her papa now, she's still cautious of his whiskers, but she doesn't hesitate to give him kisses now. She has always been affectionate with me, and I love how unconditional her feelings are, but I know I'll never take the place of her mommy. Haylee's eyes just light up at the mention of her mommy, and she can't seem to get enough hugs from her everytime she sees her.

2007 10 02 waiting for fall

Well, the calendar keeps changing but the temperature is remaining the same. I was so optimistic about a beautiful fall this year thanks to all the rain, and now it seems it may turn into just another dead fall. That's what usually happens here in North Texas, everything dies from the heat and lack of rain and falls off the trees before it can change color and fall. And the bag worms have been so severe here this summer that a lot of foliage is gone thanks to the "waterpillars" as the little ones called them.

Haydan is so intuitive to so many things and he has certainly been so about the changing of the season. He has been very concerned about missing Halloween for almost two weeks now. I have been showing him the calendar and trying to get him to understand how each day gets him closer to October 31, but he just has to let each day pass. I don't know if he saw something that reminded him of Halloween last year and that's how he knew it was getting close or if he just sensed the changing of the seasons, but I was amazed that he knew it was getting close.

Last Halloween was when I had gotten my hours cut back at work and I happened to be off on Oct 31 so I took the little ones with their mom and dad to the pumpkin patch. We had a great day there and then that evening I got to go around with them while they trick or treated in the neighborhood. That day was one of the last days their family was together before all their trouble started. The little ones and their mom moved home with me a day or two later and the little ones have been here almost constantly ever since. They were back with their dad for a couple of weeks and those are the weeks I wish I could erase for the whole family, it was nothing but heartbreak, and the only thing I can say is that I am so thankful it's over.

We do have much to be thankful for this year, and there's no better way to prepare for it than to start with a trip to the pumpkin patch. I'm planning to take them next week, hopefully some kind of cold front will come through by then and drop the temperatures down below 90 degrees.

2007 10 01 hiding

Just a little update today. The little ones have been so wonderful lately, they are both displaying their manners quite often, and being so good with each other, I'm just immensely proud of them. This morning, however, I was glad to take them to their mom's for awhile. While I was getting ready Haylee came and asked me where Haydan was. He was just in his room playing a game so I told her that's where he was. She went around the house calling him and couldn't find him. Sine he wasn't in his room, we both figured he was hiding under the big dining room table, (his favorite place to hide because the chairs all have skirts and he can't be seen without moving the chairs). He wasn't there. I looked everywhere and continued to call for him and he just wouldn't come out. I was on the verge of calling the police when I decided to just scream for him so if he was still in the house he'd know I was not happy. Well, that convinced him to come out with his head hanging down. He had been in my office room hiding with an old bag of candy he found from his first birthday! I was so relieved to find him but so mad that he'd been hiding to eat candy - my blood pressure was so high I thought I'd bust a blood vessel!

The bag of candy was in an old aquarium that we used as a decoration for his first birthday and I left one bag of candy in it because the bag had fishes on it and the aquarium is fill of fish decorations. I never dreamed any kid would climb up on top of the desk and dig in there to get that candy. It just proves that if there is candy in the house, the kids will find it. So my mission today is to "sniff" out all the old candy in the house and get rid of it.